Cannot

You cannot take away my free-will,
You cannot tinker with my mind,
You cannot break or kill my soul,
You cannot confine what i am,
You cannot coerce me,
You cannot make me more worse.

You cannot push me to be who I'm not,
You cannot squeeze the life out of me,
You cannot diminish what i have fought for,
You cannot extinguish my belief and turn me into misery,
You cannot take and possess me,
You cannot make me so damn easy.

You cannot have my life,
You cannot push me around,
You cannot stab my back with a knife,
You cannot push me to the ground,
You cannot deprive me of my rights,
You cannot lure me into your idiotic fights.

You cannot force me to be blind,
You cannot force me to be fine,

You cannot force me to be deaf,
You cannot block away my path.

You cannot constrain or force me to volunteer,
To join your SMALL little bubble,
Because you can never again keep me in fear.

©Dsnfai 2011

Past dissapointment

Well... i know it has been a couple of days since my last update. There has been a lot of things that has been buzzing in my head screaming for me to think about but i can't afford any time to try and reflect upon it. I have a phase test 2 coming in two days and two assignments (one due in five days and the other in a couple of busiest week this months).

So I will be brief about the events that occurred on Thursday (I'm on a tight schedule). Though to my disappointment and hesitation, i had to attend the Graduation day at IGS. Something that i should be a part of if i didn't mess up and had to re-do this one subject that took another semester. As i patiently wait through the utmost long and mind-numbing speech that I couldn't even hear due to the lack of proper sound system, i feel this tension and anger bubbling up from everything within the event reminded me i was a failure. I know it shouldn't bother me anymore because i made up all that mistakes by getting all higher merits and distinctions as of late but the reminder of it was too strong, it blocked my common sense.

Suddenly out of the blue, i jerked in my seat and was surprise that of all days it just had to be that day. I did mentioned in my last entry that i haven't had my period for more than a month and yep... it came flooding out, to my surprise. I got even more angry, so i just got up and left the building, just as when they were calling up names to the stage to receive their damn diploma. I went out and had lunch with my grandma and my little cousin to get my mind off the morning and it worked. I love that place "Dim Sum", it's the only place i know that has "Mongolian chicken chop" in their menu.

Anyways, after i got home and showered (freaking day was hot, it was like being in a sauna), i climbed back to bed and try to sleep off my anger, disappointment and sadness. It was easy for me to sleep since for the past few days i had insomnia, apparently the negative thoughts escalated plagued my mind kept me awake at nights... but right after the event, i just *shrug* fell into a deep slumber. I guess suppressing my true feelings about the event kept me very blah and by finally letting out my feelings and having to really feel or express them was actually good for me.

HAH, even if i went through that multiple times and already knew i should never bottle things up because of the consequences, I'd still do it again. Call me stupid if you must, i just DO NOT like exploring my feelings nor thinking about it... especially alone. *sigh* whatever.

Alright... this wasn't very brief but writing it all down made me feel all better.

So i have to go and do my assignments and afterwards, study further. Thanks for the one week flu and my emotions playing a part in breaking my concentration, I'm way behind from my studies for my test. So yeah, i gotta go.

'Til next time. Goodbye Sunday.

Frustration

I’m here sitting trying to concentrate and study but it seems I can’t. Usually it doesn’t take more than a minute for me to memorize something but it seems to take a little longer. I can’t concentrate because there’s a distraction. I can’t concentrate because I have this feeling of frustration bubbling inside me for no apparent reason and this causes me to be very irritated at every little thing, even over someone elses' voice or talking. It’s disturbing my study time! I tried to have a break, even lasting for two hours and I’m still so frustrated. Even when I try to get back to my studying through force if the break thing didn’t work, my brain couldn’t function well.

Ugh… this is stupid. My test is in two days and I haven’t covered two out of three topics. Usually the thought of having a test by fearing because one could not do it or is not ready but that’s never my problem, I’m never insecure nor anxious about a test anymore.

Nuts, I don’t know what to do or what’s wrong with me today. I feel so off and I can’t figure out why or what caused it. DAMN IT, WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? I wish I have a treadmill so I can run my troubles away or at least get my mind of whatever is brewing a storm in it.

….

Maybe… it’s because I haven’t had my time of the month for more than a month already which is screwing up and unbalancing my hormones like crazy. Or... this just came to my mind as i type, i know today is the rehearsel for the convocation event and i just realize it shouldve been my graduation rehearsel if i didnt screw up 2 years ago. Maybe... thats the reason im feeling so frustrated even the thought of it didnt stew in my mind.

*long frustrated sigh* whatever. Shouldn't i be proud that by making up for that, i recently develop higher merits to distinctions. Hmph.

I can’t believe in fifteen minutes, it’ll be 5 PM, last I saw the freaking clock, it was 10 AM. Ugh, I hate time being so fast without my awareness. Anyways, I better go and try to concentrate. Trying my best is just an excuse I’m not trying hard enough and is for lazy people, in my opinion.

I'm just gonna take a long cold shower, bloody heat is frying me alive.

I hope tomorrow would be a good day for me. Goodbye, cruel Wednesday.

Overdue

Yes, it’s a five months overdue resolution: a new blog and a new fresh start of blogging for a new attitude. Thought it doesn’t feel like five months has passed but at least I could remember the past events in my life.

I have been reading my past entries or in other words, have dig deep into my past thoughts and opinions. It never fails how astounded I am how depress I was and how confuse I am how I would just shrug it off after weeks of depression and move on in my life. It’s becoming a pattern but at least i have the strength left to just remember to appreciate what i got, think about my future to influence my decision and to move on from the ordeal.

So... update, i guess. Five to six months more and i guess, i'll be free to choose whether i want to continue to study to earn a degree up to a master degree or work my butt off to earn some money that can pay for my freedom that comes with the new responsibilities. Either way, my thoughts will come back to how much time will i have to invest to do all of this and whether i would waste it.

Though i may be young right now, i won't be forever. Oh if the idea of immortality would already exists.

Anyways, i just got the news there is no class for the next two hours. I want to plan whether i want to be off to get some lunch, even though i already ate fresh mangoes on toast and a cup of tea this morning.
 

So, now the only thing to wonder is if i would commit to this blog and see this through. Well, to find out, let's see if i update.

 

Goodbye, Tuesday.